Anime Celebrity Deathmatch
First Match: Himura Kenshin vs. Sailor Moon

-- by Mandisa Washington

Scene 1: Commentator's booth

Johnny: Welcome, ladies and gentlemen to our first-ever edition of Anime-Celebrity Deathmatch. We're really glad to be able to bring you the best coverage of in-your-face, high-anxiety, pulse-pounding anime-celebrity action. Today's match promises to be truly spectacular for our audience here in beautiful Boston, MA.
Nick: Don't forget our faithful web-watchers out there. This edition of Celebrity Deathmatch is being broadcast live over the Internet with only a 20-minute delay! [pause for awestruck sighs]
Johnny: Wow! Only 20 minutes of lag time for every 5 minutes of coverage...that's amazing! Let's get to our fighters though. Both contestants today are new to the Deathmatch-ring, but they're hardened veterans of down-and-dirty combat. Himura Kenshin is the favorite, weighing in at 110 lbs. and standing 5'3". He's a master swordsman out of Kyoto who prefers to disable his opponents in a few quick strokes after determining their attack strategy. His current non-killing attitude and unconventional, inverted single-edged sword are causing quite a stir among Celebrity Deathmatch fans.
Nick: Mr. Himura is certainly formidable, but he may have met his match in the beautiful but deadly Sailor Moon. Don't let this little girl's winning smile fool you. Stepping up at 90 lbs. and 5'1", her tiny stature is overshadowed by the powerful mystic forces that she controls. Her attacks often approach astronomical proportions, making this teenager quite capable of disintegrating ordinary opponents. The judges have had to restrict her use of weapons in order to ensure the safety of our studio audience.
Screen Flash: Anime-Celebrity Deathmatch is committed to ensuring the safety and well-being of our patrons.
Johnny: It's sure to be a fight of earth-shaking proportions, Nick. Let's hear from the fighters themselves, down in the locker room with Stacy.

Scene 2: Men's Locker room

Stacy: Thanks, Johnny. I'm speaking with Himura Kenshin, the popular favorite to win today's Celebrity Deathmatch. So, Mr. Himura...
Kenshin: Please, call me Kenshin..all of my friends do.
Stacy: Okay, Kenshin. You're ranked as a better fighter than Miss Moon, you're older than she is, and you've adopted an anti-killing philosophy. So why are you here today on Celebrity Deathmatch?
Kenshin: Well, all that you've said is true, and this is an unusual situation for me. But when I got a glimpse of Sailor Moon in action, I just knew that I was the only person who could stop her reign of terror.
Stacy [shows mild surprise]: I see...so is there any truth to the rumor that your crazy girlfriend forced you to compete for the $10, 000 prize? [flashback to Kamiya dojo where Kaoru is on a tirade about how no one but her brings any money into the household. She chases Sanosuke, Yahiko and Kenshin with her wooden sword.]
Kenshin: Oro? [whispers] This show isn't aired in Tokyo, right? [louder] Yes, there is some truth to that statement, but the rumors about my relationship with my beloved Kaoru are greatly exaggerated: we're just good friends.
Stacy: Ah, so there's still hope for all of your devoted admirers, eh? [Kenshin: startled look] You specifically requested that Sailor Moon be selected as your opponent, why is that?
Kenshin [serious, shadowed look]: In my household, there are two young girls who have recently started school. The other children have told them of the exploits of Sailor Moon and her gang of vicious young girls, sparking thoughts of violence within my two sweet and innocent friends. They run around the dojo, screaming and pointing sticks at each other, acting out the battles that they've heard stories of. I have fought many battles to make sure that children never need to know violence in their lives. Now, I must vanquish this demon in the guise of a little girl so that children everywhere can be safe from such violent images.
Stacy [looks askew at Kenshin]: Uh, very intense statements, Kenshin. I'm sure parents everywhere are on your side. But we've got a surprise for you. Celebrity Deathmatch has brought these very special friends of yours to the studio to cheer you on in your fight. [Kaoru, Sano, Megumi, Yahiko come from backstage to face Kenshin with hurt, angry looks] We told them that you had travelled here for a Deathmatch, and they've been watching this interview from the room next door. I'm sure that they're all very happy to see you here.
Kenshin [turns to friends]: Everyone calm down, I would have told you all about it when I returned... ["Kenshin-gumi" jumps Kenshin, all muttering.]
Kaoru: So I'm crazy now, am I? "Just a good friend," eh?
Sano + Yahiko: You were going to a fight without us?
Megumi: Oh Ken-san, how could you leave without saying good-bye...again?!
Kenshin: Ororo... [Stacy steps downstage towards the camera.]
Stacy: What do you think, Johnny? Can't you just feel the love?

Scene 3: Commentator's booth

Johnny: It's always nice to see a loving family bond like that.
Screen Flash: Anime-Celebrity Deathmatch is committed to preserving the family values of our patrons.
Nick: Yeah, both of our contenders have expressed their dependance on friends and family for much of their considerable strengh. I believe that Sailor Moon's clan is also in the audience today. How these two groups behave towards each other should provide an exciting backdrop to our main event.
Johnny: The ring-side will certainly be another area to keep an eye on. Stacy, are you ready with today's other contestant?

Scene 4: Women's Locker room

Stacy: Yes, Johnny. Here we have Sailor Moon, the cheerful challenger in today's Deathmatch. Miss Moon, you and your sailor senshi have been accused by Mr. Himura of inciting violence among young children. How do you respond to that accusation?
S. Moon [smiles]: I know that my friends and I are good role models for all of the children of the world. We are all good at school (well, except for me...); we're graceful and athletic (well, except for me...); and we all love to eat and have fun (hey, I'm good at that!). Sure, occasionally someone really mean comes along and then we have to get tough, but that's only every few days. It's not like we fight all the time.
Stacy [just the hint of a smile]: I see. This is part of a personal crusade for Mr. Himura. How are you approaching the fight?
S. Moon: Well, he started it, you know? I just know that with the love and support of my friends at home, big and small, I'll be able to stop that terrible man. Besides, I'm much cuter than he is, so the audience is sure to cheer for me instead of for him. I really appreciate encouragement, because it helps me to remember what I'm fighting for.
Stacy: Very noble statements, Miss Moon. As you know, we've brought some of your friends here to watch the fight. Will that affect your fighting style and ability in this match?
S. Moon: Ref. Mills Lane's restrictions on my fighting style prohibit me from having my friends fight alongside me in any way, but just their presence will aid me on this difficult quest to clear our reputation. I want all children to be free to make their own choices about what to watch and which merchandise to buy...with their parents' permission, of course. [smiles at the camera and holds up a S. Moon action figure] I'm sure that Mr. Himura is out to get me for less noble reasons than the sake of the children. [tries a knowing look, but it comes out as sort of a scowl...very strange on her]
Stacy [shocked look]: Are you implying that money may be Kenshin's motivation?
S. Moon: Well he's obviously poor, just look at his threadbare clothes. And that hair of his...it's a nice color, but he looks like he only has a nodding acquaintance with a comb and brush. We sailor senshi pride ourselves on our snappy looks and neat hair. [flash of all senshi literally glowing]
Screen Flash: Anime-Celebrity Deathmatch is committed to maintaining the proper grooming habits of our patrons.
Stacy: Appearances can certainly be important, and there are a lot of your admirers and imitators out in the audience. [flash of children and grown-ups in sailor senshi costume and/or waving S. Moon toys] Would you like to address them?
S. Moon [looks confused, then nods in understanding]: Remember kids, all fan mail should go to my house at 1520 Cherry Blossom Lane...
Stacy [shaking head]: Back to you, Johnny.

Scene 5: Commentator's booth

Johnny: She really is prettier than Kenshin, but only by a little bit.
Nick: And she's an equally successful fighter, but definitely a few meatballs short of a hero sandwich.
Johnny: I hear ya'. It's almost time to start the match. The crowd is getting rowdy. [flash of audience members sparring with wooden swords, metal swords, plastic rods...]
Johnny: Let's see how the fighters are preparing for the match... [pan down to ringside, focus in on Sanosuke + Yahiko heading towards Kenshin's corner, waving good-bye to the sailor senshi]
Nick: That's Sagara Sanosuke and Myojin Yahiko, friends and housemates of Kenshin. Mr. Sagara is an excellent hand-to-hand fighter...
Johnny: Maybe we can get him in a future Deathmatch.
Nick: ...and young Yahiko is a student of the Kamiya dojo, which is run by Kamiya Kaoru. Ms. Kamiya is also a good fighter, but her school is founded on anti-killing principles.
Johnny: [flash to Kaoru who is fixing Kenshin's hair] She is also a good hairstylist apparently. [both commentators nod]
Nick: And over there [flash to Megumi chatting up Tuxedo Kamen] we can see Takani Megumi, who seems to be speaking with Sailor Moon's boyfriend, Tuxedo Kamen.
Johnny: They seem to be causing quite a stir among the sailor senshi...[flash to angry-looking Sailors]

Scene 6: Ringside (S. Moon's corner)

[Sailor senshi and Tuxedo Kamen are gathered around S. Moon, Mars is fixing S. Moon's hair]
S. Moon: Well, this shouldn't go too badly, but please hold onto this for me. [passes an object to Venus]
Mercury: If you can, try not to kill him...he's kind of cute in a scruffy-looking sort of way.
Mars: Himura's okay, I suppose. But isn't that just the sweetest little boy with him? I think I'll take him for ice cream later.
Jupiter: Ooh, that sounds good! We can all go together. I may convince that tall, muscular Sagara to come along, too.
Venus: Oh that's the silliest thing...we don't even know those guys! They may be our enemies...I wish that you'd keep that in perspective.
Jupiter [to Mars]: She's just upset that there's no one left for her...
Venus [stomping her foot]: I am no such thing!
Jupiter + Mars: Are too!
Tuxedo Kamen [producing roses for all]: Ladies, please calm yourselves. I'm sure that extending the hand of friendship can't be a bad thing...
S. Moon [standing]: You just make sure that fox-face doesn't extend her hands to you. I don't like the way she looks at you. [zoom out to catch fox-Megumi drooling in their direction]
Tuxedo Kamen: Don't you worry about us, just make sure that you come back in one piece. We'll step in if you're in danger, but watch out for him. His sword may be inverted, but it could still damage your beautiful face. [S. Moon + Tuxedo Kamen get all misty and the tender-lovers music plays. The other Sailors all go sweaty in embarrassment.]

Scene 7: Ringside (Kenshin's corner)

[Yahiko + Sano stand next to Kenshin and Kaoru]
Sano: Hey Kenshin, could you finish this up soon, I've scored a date with that pretty girl over there.
Yahiko: Yeah, Kenshin. I found a girl who doesn't call me "Chan"! [smiles broadly and imagines Mars looking impressed at his muscles and sword]
Kaoru: You guys should be ashamed...what about your sweethearts at the Akabeko restaurant back home? [Sano + Yahiko share a grin, provoking Kaoru to pummel them, accidently whacking Kenshin]
Kenshin: Oro...
Kaoru: Kenshin, you should let Megumi have a look at that before the fight. [pulls Megumi away from her drooling-position] After this is done, we can all go out to dinner together.
Sano + Yahiko + Megumi: Can I bring a friend? [Kaoru glares at all of them, but Kenshin just smiles]

Scene 8: Ring

Ref. Mills Lane: [amplified] In this corner, [points at Kenshin] out of Kyoto, Japan, political-assassin-turned-domesticated-wanderer, Himura Kenshin! [loud applause, some "boo"s; flowers + ladies' underwear are thrown to the ring; Kenshin smiles] And in this corner, [points at S. Moon] out of the Silver Millenium in the Moon Kingdom, honored-princess-turned-crimefighting-schoolgirl, Sailor Moon! [equally loud but higher-pitched applause, no "boo"s; flowers and glitter-confetti are thrown to the ring; S. Moon grins and waves] Step forward! [Kenshin and S. Moon step forward to meet with Ref. Mills Lane at the center of the ring]
Kenshin: I must stop you for the love of my friends, but I will not break my non-killing oath.
S. Moon: You say that you fight for love, but you are unjust. I will end your mischief. And tell your desperate, tag-along friends to stay away from my boyfriend and the other senshi.
Ref. Mills Lane: Okay, I want a clean fight. Stay within the ring, and keep the property damage low. Let's get it on! [Ref. Mills Lane steps out of the ring]
[Kenshin stands ready and draws his sword. S. Moon raises her wand. Both adversaries are staring intently at each other, tracking the other's motions with their eyes.]
Kenshin: Ladies first.
S. Moon [shrugs]: Naturally. Get ready for it!

Battle Description and Commentary

[S. Moon points her spiral heart moon rod at Kenshin and shoots a stream of sparkles.]
S. Moon: Moon Spiral Heart Attack!

[Kenshin dodges and rushes S. Moon, slashing rapidly.]
Kenshin: Ryu-Sou-Sen!
Johnny: Kenshin is shattering Sailor Moon's attempts at a defense.

[She parries some of the blows with her wand, but receives several bruises. Kenshin jumps backward and up, screaming into the air.]
Kenshin: Ryu-Tsui-Sho-Sen!
Nick: That's an impossibly-complicated uppercut-and-downstroke combo that Kenshin's attempting.

[He tries an aerial downstroke, but S. Moon blocks and rolls low at the last moment and sweeps his leg as he's landing.]
Johnny: But look! Sailor Moon has dodged...

[S. Moon topples Kenshin while he's off-balance]
S. Moon: Sailor body attack!

[and sits on his chest, getting her legs around his neck.]
S. Moon: Sailor scissor-strangle!
Johnny: ...and she's strangling him in a leg-lock!

[Kenshin pushes her off and she flies away, landing safely. But he flies at her, spinning, and lands a solid blow to her chin...]
Kenshin: Ryu-Kan-Sen Tsumuji!
Nick: Kenshin's not out yet, he's using his spin-and-slash technique to knock Sailor Moon to Jupiter!

[which sends her into the rails. S. Moon is down;]
Nick: This guy's incredible!

[Ref. Mills Lane goes in for the count while the Sailor senshi move towards the ring.]
Mercury: Get up, Sailor Moon!
Venus: You can't let yourself be beaten by a girly-man!
Jupiter: That foxy-woman is making eyes at your boyfriend again...

[Kenshin stays alert for a possible recovery, and shows no surprise when S. Moon stands to face him again.]
S. Moon: You certainly fight like a red-haired tornado, but you won't send me to Oz!

[Ref. Mills Lane ducks out. S. Moon becomes a blur, hurling energy-bolts at Kenshin in rapid succession.]
S. Moon: Rainbow Moon Heart Ache!
Johnny: He may be amazing, but that girl's got a lot left in her. See how she isn't letting up on Kenshin? He can't dodge all of those blasts.

[Kenshin deflects or dodges most of the bolts but she penetrates his defense, leaving painful welts and cuts on his body. Kenshin bends low and runs, going for a powerful uppercut,...]
Nick: If Kenshin can evade her attack long enough to get in another high-powered hit, he'll take the match!
Kenshin: Ryu-Sho-Sen!

[but S. Moon precludes the move by tossing out her tiara like a boomerang.]
S. Moon: Moon tiara action!
Johnny: And she knows it, too. He can't launch an attack if he can't stand, and no one can escape a tiara-toss.

[The tiara captures him mid-stride. He falls face-forward, hitting the mat with a thud and held tightly by a glowing ring of light.]
Nick: Ouch! That's gotta hurt!

[Ref. Mills Lane goes in for the count and an agitated "Kenshin-gumi" also rushes to the rails.]
Kaoru [screaming]: Kenshin, you'd better get up, or don't come home! [the crack of a whip is heard in the background]
Kenshin: Oro?

[The audience cheers and jeers as S. Moon calmly clasps hands with her friends through the railing then straightens and waves to the crowd.]
Johnny: Sailor Moon certainly knows how to play to a crowd. Just like an elegant little princess.
Nick: Uh, Johnny, she is a princess.

[Kenshin strains and bursts the energy ring, rising to face S. Moon. His clothes are tattered and blood-stained, but his eyes have a serious cast. Kenshin sheathes his sword and assumes the Battou-jutsu stance. (cat-like forward crouch; left-hand on sword sheath, right-hand poised above the sword hilt)]
Nick: Kenshin is up again and playing for keeps...finally. He's got that stone-cold stare of a killing master. This Deathmatch just got more interesting with the appearance of the legendary Hitokiri Battou-sai!

[S. Moon shudders slightly then raises her arms to attack-position, an object clasped in one hand.]
S. Moon: Starlight Honeymoon Therapy Kiss!
Kenshin: Ku-Zu-Ryu-Sen!

[Kenshin abruptly hurls himself at S. Moon, flipping his sakaba sword to the killing-position and slashing S. Moon just as a huge heart envelopes him and explodes in an incandescent burst of light. The studio is silent until the light subsides, then the audience goes nuts when a bruised-and-bloody S. Moon is sprawled out on the mat and Kenshin is nowhere to be found.]
Johnny: Did you see that! Blasted him in the middle of the fastest-of-the-fast attacks!
Nick: The crowd's going insane...

[Kaoru looks up and lets out an anguished scream, pointing towards the roof, where Kenshin's body is slung across the light fixture like a sack of rice.]
Megumi: Oh my god, they killed Ken-san!
Sano: You bastards!

[Ref. Mills Lane whistles...]
Nick: Well it looks like Sailor Moon's won this ma...hold on, Ref. Mills Lane has called a foul on Sailor Moon!

[and heads into the ring to haul S. Moon to her feet. He pulls the unknown object from her hand and holds it up to the camera.]
Ref. Mills Lane: Illegal performance of a "Starlight Honeymoon Therapy Kiss". Use of a prohibited item, the "Eternal Moon Power Tier". Sailor Moon forfeits, Kenshin wins the match by default!
Kenshin [falling from the rafters]: Oro ro...[thump]

Scene 9: Commentator's booth

Nick: What a match...Sailor Moon played dirty and Kenshin fought to kill.
Johnny: In a fight to the death, morals get chucked out the window.
Screen Flash: Anime-Celebrity Deathmatch is committed to enforcing the morals of our patrons.
Johnny: But I think that we can look forward to a rematch once these admirable fighters are released from the hospital. From all of us at Anime-Celebrity Deathmatch to all of our fans, good fight, good night!
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