Anime Celebrity Deathmatch
-- by Mandisa Washington (incomplete)
Second Match: Heero Yuy vs. Van de Fanel vs. Shinji Ikari
Scene 1: Ladies' public restroom
Stall 1: Are all of your preparations completed? If I've come all this way for nothing, you'll be sorry for it.
Stall 2: Certainly not, highness. My wards are in place, and all potential obstacles removed. Your assistance was quite helpful in obtaining the necessary, ah, cooperation.
Stall 1: For the sake of my holy mission, I must work with such as you and perform foul deeds, but I will be purified by my success. Remember, witch, your moves are as always under my supervision. Do not be tempted to betray me, for I will know of it. [Flushing and washing sounds, and then a door closing.]
Stall 2: [mocking] "Holy mission", eh? Many have threatened Hagar the Powerful, and none live to regret it. [cackling madly] Ah, Blue Cat, let us proceed on this path of vengeance. Perhaps something more worthwhile than money will come of it, as the runes have shown. [A lithe cat of midnight blue appears in mid-flight from the stall door. Cackling again, the great witch Hagar washes her hands and stalks from the room.]
Scene 2: Commentator's Booth
Johnny: Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to our second installment of the most popular form of animated sports entertainment, Anime-Celebrity Deathmatch! Tonight's lineup is sure to hasten your heartbeat as not one or two, but three handsome young pilots grace the Deathmatch arena in sunny San Francisco.
Nick: Won't the arena get a little crowded with three planes in it? Maybe we've got one of those trick ceilings that can crack open like a clamshell. [looks up into the rafters]
Johnny: Nick, the pilots are going to fight hand-to-hand, we can't fit planes in here. Besides, these are special elite forces pilots, they don't fly traditional aircraft. In fact, Stacy is outside right now where the pilots are showing off their craft to the fans. How are things out there, Stacy?
Scene 3: Parking Lot
Stacy: Well, these guys are showing off a lot more than just some mecha, guys. Apparently the sun's gone to their heads and they've decided to whip their shirts off and give the fans out here something to really cheer about. [walks over to Heero in front of the Wing Gundam] So Lt. Yuy, what's it like being a flyboy with your own fanclub?
Heero: [with quiet intensity and a rippling six-pack] In my line of work, you have to learn to tune out distractions. I live on the edge, and if I stop to think about my latest batch of fan mail, I could fall right off.
Stacy: That would certainly suck. So what do you do with your fan mail? [laughing politely] Surely you don't just throw it away.
Heero: [sighing] Well, I wanted to. But my promotional manager said...
Duo: [jumping into frame, and raking his bangs back] Hah hah! Yeah, Heero here was gonna chuck it all in the trash, but I stepped in and saved all you beautiful fangirls out there from utter lonesomeness. Now every letter gets an answer from our man Heero here, and I take care of all of the arrangements for public appearances and such. Heh, I love this man here... d'you know how much care and time he puts into... [grins broadly] Well, nevermind about that. Suffice to say that everybody needs a Heero sometimes, eh?! [The crowd goes wild with cheers.]
Stacy: [Trying not to be deafened by the screaming, she walks across the platform to Van in front of Escaflowne.] So Capt. de Fanel, how do you balance the attention and the job?
Van: [smiling ruefully, with glistening pecks] It can be difficult, occasionally. Whenever the hordes of adoring worshippers becomes too much, I take a trip into the woods, or visit old friends. It's nice to know that however many people treat me like royalty, there are folks who know me as a comrade.
Stacy: But you are royalty, aren't you? The Kingdom of Fanelia is quite a lovely place, they say. Surely having some of these fans come to your country's festivals helps build the tourist trade.
Van: I suppose so, but at festival time, it's difficult to separate the visitors from the citizens. At those times, I usually have my Minister of Security keep an eye on the festivities to make sure they don't get too out of hand. In fact, he's here... Allen would you come here, please?
Allen: [standing tall with a gleam in his eye, Allen attends his boss but only has eyes for Stacy, whose hand he graces with a soft kiss] Summoned, I arrive Van. Can this be the lovely lady Stacy?
Stacy: [flushed and flustered] Ha... Hi there. [gulps and recovers a little composure] I um, we at Celebrity Deathmatch could certainly use a little extra security around here. [giggles] In this summer heat, these fans might get a bit rowdy.
Allen: [blue eyes staring intently, with voice to match] I have actually brought my own mobile suit, to preclude any unpleasantness. I can personally assure you that nothing untoward will happen under my skilled hands, mademoiselle Stacy.
Stacy: [backing away] I'm sure we'll be just fine under your, um, hands. Er... yes. [turns around and faces Shinji, who looks more desperate than she] Well, of course, Ensign Ikari