- to the tune of "Paperback Writer" by The Beatles
- by Mandisa Washington

Details: I might have tried too hard on this Bastard!! filk, but the campy lyrics seem to fit the tongue-in-cheek atmosphere of the original story. The original song is one of my favorites from the Fab Four. It describes a plaintive appeal to an editor from a young writer trying to sell his dimestore novel. This song is a plaintive appeal to readers, especially women, to check out the story of Bastard!! and its main character, Rushe/Dark Schneider. The series is full of lowbrow humor, sex, violence, and crude language, just like a stereotypical paperback, so I thought the cross would be pretty good. You can judge for yourself, though. | More Story Info | Original Song Lyrics

[The Beatles version includes a weird, accordion-like background sound that's actually the words, "Frêre Jacques", recorded separately and mixed in. For total authenticity, I suppose here you could sing "baka yarou" instead...]

Rushe-Dark Schneider ...

Listen up ladies, have you met this guy?
I know he's a Bastard!, but give him a try...
A sexy Fire Mage with no guilty pangs
When he blows shit up, he shows awesome fangs.

Meet Rushe-Dark Schneider
Rushe-Dark Schneider

The Four Lords of Havoc he has sworn to fight.
They were once his friends but he'll set 'em right.
A virgin's kiss must release his power,
But while Geo lives, he can't deflower.

Poor Rushe-Dark Schneider
Rushe-Dark Schneider

He will do the laundry, and make up your bed,
Burn your enemies or fill 'em with dread.
He can feed you well, be sure to treat him nice
He'll warm your winter... with spells to melt the ice.

Hire Rushe-Dark Schneider
Rushe-Dark Schneider

If you want him 'round, he'll be there in a flash,
Though his arrogance is a pain in the ass.
Deep down inside he's really a caring guy,
Just keep an eye out for P-O'd elves in the sky.

Rushe-Dark Schneider
Rushe-Dark Schneider
{repeat to fade}